Ask Away Wednesday

Q: 

Dear Jen,

I don't feel like my fiancee really listens to me. Sometimes when I'm trying to talk to him about something important, he'll make a completely unrelated comment. Like one day, I was telling him about some stupid things that had happened at work. I stopped to wait for his reaction and instead of acknowledging what I said, he pointed out something about a car next to us on the road. It was totally random! He apologized and said that he doesn't mean to make it seem like he doesn't care, because he does. He's just a simple guy with simple thoughts and doesn't delve too far into anything. He said he wished I wouldn't get so worked up all the time, because it doesn't do any good. 

I know he's not doing it to be mean or offensive. He is just that simple and laid-back. He hates conflict and drama. It's one of the things I fell in love with in the first place. We're just different, I guess.. He doesn't get worked up over a lot. I on the other hand, can be pretty up and down sometimes. He's a great guy, but this lack of communication is starting to hurt my feelings. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Wall Talker

A:

Dear Wall Talker,

Sometimes it really is that simple. Just as one might be an over-analyzer, there will be some that don't bother analyzing anything at all. There is a rhyme and reason for this. If we were all over-analyzers; if we were all quick to get upset or angry over small things, a perpetual state of warfare would ensue. Everyone would be up in arms, believing that someone meant this when they actually meant that and wondering why a love letter had the word "I" instead of "We." It would be chaos. 

Thankfully, each person contributes a unique trait that creates societal balance and harmony. Often however, we work against the notion of opposites attracting. In relationships, we search so hard for someone that mirrors us when really we should be looking for someone that complements us. It's not always ideal. There will be discord from time to time as we assert our differences, but in the long run it's quite beneficial.  

No one is perfect and from what you've written, it sounds like you both have one thing that you don't necessarily like about the other. That's okay, because you're not going to like everything about a person. This is life. How you choose to proceed from here is what matters.

The key lies in understanding our differences rather than trying to change the other person to be more like us or more like what we want them to be. You say that his simplicity is one of the reasons why you first fell in love with him-don't let it be the force that eventually drives you away. 

If this isn't a deal breaker-if you still intend to marry this man-then perhaps you should refocus your energies on the good aspects of the relationship. The rest will evolve and grow with time.

Best,

Jen